Exhibit One

A week ago I slept with a man twice my age. 
I have now proved that with age does not also come skill. 

Any man that believes he can provide you an orgasm by counting backwards from five and telling you to cum, is not a sex god, he’s a delusional narcissist. Unless those fingers are inside me at the time, you’re not going to illicit any sort of genuine response. 

I don’t remember ever rolling my eyes while giving head…. now I can tick that off my bucket list. Well, add it, then tick it off. He just never. Stopped. Talking. ‘You’re where you’re supposed to be. All your worries are flowing away. My cock takes away your fears…’ queue epic eye roll. Your cock is not a magic wand. It’s not much of anything to be honest. 

Let me provide you with a list of all the times I was to cum on command. 

– as he entered me

– as he counted down from five and hit 0

– as he counted down from five on his fingers and hit 0

– as I went down on him

– every time he just said ‘cum’

Oh and I would be robbed of the capacity to ever cum again if he said the word. Like some sort of orgasm wizard, bestowing and taking away the orgasms of the people at will. If you can’t cum, I can’t point you in the direction of the man to blame. Perhaps you cut him off in traffic once, or bought the last cream bun when he really had a hankering for one. Who knows. But it’s most definitively his fault. 

Number of orgasms – 1 (did it myself, got bored waiting for him to show up with my magical ones)

Here’s a picture of a sunset to help dull your orgasmless rage.